Aphrael (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
silverthunder) wrote2004-04-03 12:13 am
silverthunder) wrote2004-04-03 12:13 am
Entry tags:
The Worst BadFic Ever
In a fit of inspiration, V and I designed this tonight.
I came home immediately to write down... the worst badfic ever written. At least, I hope it is. I'd hate to see anything that's worse.
Our story begins with a lovely young lady with long flowing golden hair that shone like the sun, full lips like roses, and blue eyes the color of brilliant sapphires. The pretty and fearless heroine, Ruby-Diamond Pearl (Pearl is her last name) has to kick the asses of hundreds of pirates aboard a ship in the middle of the ocean.
However! After she beats them all effortlessly, she is stranded on the boat! Luckily, a dashing hero by the name of Will Turner comes to her rescue. Unfortunately, Will has a terrible secret - he is a vampire, and so is his lover, Jack Sparrow. In fact, Jack was the one who turned him into a vampire, against his will - but they fell in love afterward and are happy.
The three are washed up on shore beside a huge and lovely mansion, which is owned by a wealthy young man by the name of Quatre who lives there with his gundam pilot friends. Immediately, Ruby-Diamond Pearl and her friends are offered shelter - but inside, there is angst and woe.
Duo has been raped by Heero and is being consoled by his chosen confidant, Ash Ketchum, who took shelter at the mansion after being betrayed by Pikachu. (that, of course, turns out to be a big misunderstanding which is inevitably sorted out by Ruby-Diamond Pearl) Fortunately, Ruby-Diamond Pearl is there to help everyone, and she discovers by merely touching her hand to Duo's stomach that he is pregnant - which, of course, surprises no one.
Since she's wise to the ways of the human heart, Ruby-Diamond Pearl immediately realizes that Duo and Heero are meant to be deeply in love and raise their children together happily, and so she arranges things so that they can realize their true feelings for one another.
At that point, Legolas and the four hobbits arrive together. Legolas had sensed that the fairest maiden in the land was in the neighborhood, and of course Ruby-Diamond Pearl has no idea that it is truly her he means. She was not looking for love, but... It found her.
The hobbits came along because they are vampire-hobbits and sensed that more vampires were in the area (Jack and Will). There is a small vampire reunion.
Ruby-Diamond Pearl decides to throw a big party to get Duo and Heero to realize their feelings for one another, so she invites everyone. K and Tohma show up because they are vampire friends of the hobbits, and they invite their friends, Shuichi, Yuki, Hiro, Suguru, and the rest of the cast. Everyone is having a wonderful time, especially Duo and Heero who are realizing their true feelings.
And then Matt and Tai walked in.
Unfortunately, Matt and Tai have a major drug addiction, and sneak out on the balcony to shoot up. Ruby-Diamond Pearl catches them, and is SHOCKED. Her belief in the good of all humans convinces them that they have seen the error of their ways, and they give up the drugs for her sake.
However, they both end up getting turned into vampires and are afraid to tell each other, so there is major angsting until they realize that they can dwell in darkness together forever.
Meanwhile, Omi and Nagi are sitting at computers in separate rooms having an internet romance without realizing that it is truly each other that they are madly in love with. Of course, Aya and Ken are together and destined to stay that way forever, while Youji, who loves both of them, drowns his sorrow in cigarettes and alcohol until Ruby-Diamond Pearl shows him the error of his ways and points him towards his true love - Farfarello.
To Youji's dismay, Farfarello turns out to be a vampire - but he makes the valiant choice of becoming a vampire as well to dwell with his lover forever.
Farfarello used to be in a threesome with Crawford and Schuldig, but once he left, they had problems with their love life. However, then they met Aya and Ken, and Ken immediatly fell in love with Crawford and left Aya for him. Aya was heartbroken and cried bitterly while attacking anyone who came near him to see his pain. But Schuldig saw into his mind and got a look at the true inner Aya, and was able to make him whole again.
However, they all had to become vampires.
At this point, Ruby-Diamond Pearl urges everyone to journey to the place where Jesus is being flogged, and makes an impassioned speech while she is there which persuades the floggers to leave him alone - as they have seen the error of their ways.
Duo goes into labor then, and gives birth to twins - a boy and a girl.
Ruby-Diamond Pearl becomes a Goddess for saving Jesus, and Legolas is her eternal consort. Everyone else is a vampire.
Even Jesus.
THE END
Feel free to make suggestions. This can be added to. Even the baddest badfic ever can still somehow be made worse.
I came home immediately to write down... the worst badfic ever written. At least, I hope it is. I'd hate to see anything that's worse.
Our story begins with a lovely young lady with long flowing golden hair that shone like the sun, full lips like roses, and blue eyes the color of brilliant sapphires. The pretty and fearless heroine, Ruby-Diamond Pearl (Pearl is her last name) has to kick the asses of hundreds of pirates aboard a ship in the middle of the ocean.
However! After she beats them all effortlessly, she is stranded on the boat! Luckily, a dashing hero by the name of Will Turner comes to her rescue. Unfortunately, Will has a terrible secret - he is a vampire, and so is his lover, Jack Sparrow. In fact, Jack was the one who turned him into a vampire, against his will - but they fell in love afterward and are happy.
The three are washed up on shore beside a huge and lovely mansion, which is owned by a wealthy young man by the name of Quatre who lives there with his gundam pilot friends. Immediately, Ruby-Diamond Pearl and her friends are offered shelter - but inside, there is angst and woe.
Duo has been raped by Heero and is being consoled by his chosen confidant, Ash Ketchum, who took shelter at the mansion after being betrayed by Pikachu. (that, of course, turns out to be a big misunderstanding which is inevitably sorted out by Ruby-Diamond Pearl) Fortunately, Ruby-Diamond Pearl is there to help everyone, and she discovers by merely touching her hand to Duo's stomach that he is pregnant - which, of course, surprises no one.
Since she's wise to the ways of the human heart, Ruby-Diamond Pearl immediately realizes that Duo and Heero are meant to be deeply in love and raise their children together happily, and so she arranges things so that they can realize their true feelings for one another.
At that point, Legolas and the four hobbits arrive together. Legolas had sensed that the fairest maiden in the land was in the neighborhood, and of course Ruby-Diamond Pearl has no idea that it is truly her he means. She was not looking for love, but... It found her.
The hobbits came along because they are vampire-hobbits and sensed that more vampires were in the area (Jack and Will). There is a small vampire reunion.
Ruby-Diamond Pearl decides to throw a big party to get Duo and Heero to realize their feelings for one another, so she invites everyone. K and Tohma show up because they are vampire friends of the hobbits, and they invite their friends, Shuichi, Yuki, Hiro, Suguru, and the rest of the cast. Everyone is having a wonderful time, especially Duo and Heero who are realizing their true feelings.
And then Matt and Tai walked in.
Unfortunately, Matt and Tai have a major drug addiction, and sneak out on the balcony to shoot up. Ruby-Diamond Pearl catches them, and is SHOCKED. Her belief in the good of all humans convinces them that they have seen the error of their ways, and they give up the drugs for her sake.
However, they both end up getting turned into vampires and are afraid to tell each other, so there is major angsting until they realize that they can dwell in darkness together forever.
Meanwhile, Omi and Nagi are sitting at computers in separate rooms having an internet romance without realizing that it is truly each other that they are madly in love with. Of course, Aya and Ken are together and destined to stay that way forever, while Youji, who loves both of them, drowns his sorrow in cigarettes and alcohol until Ruby-Diamond Pearl shows him the error of his ways and points him towards his true love - Farfarello.
To Youji's dismay, Farfarello turns out to be a vampire - but he makes the valiant choice of becoming a vampire as well to dwell with his lover forever.
Farfarello used to be in a threesome with Crawford and Schuldig, but once he left, they had problems with their love life. However, then they met Aya and Ken, and Ken immediatly fell in love with Crawford and left Aya for him. Aya was heartbroken and cried bitterly while attacking anyone who came near him to see his pain. But Schuldig saw into his mind and got a look at the true inner Aya, and was able to make him whole again.
However, they all had to become vampires.
At this point, Ruby-Diamond Pearl urges everyone to journey to the place where Jesus is being flogged, and makes an impassioned speech while she is there which persuades the floggers to leave him alone - as they have seen the error of their ways.
Duo goes into labor then, and gives birth to twins - a boy and a girl.
Ruby-Diamond Pearl becomes a Goddess for saving Jesus, and Legolas is her eternal consort. Everyone else is a vampire.
Even Jesus.
THE END
Feel free to make suggestions. This can be added to. Even the baddest badfic ever can still somehow be made worse.
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Where's Aragorn in this? Doesn't the Sue tempt him away from Arwen, despite them being "true love?"
*tries to imagine Arwen as a vampire* The mind boggles...
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WHY AM I ENCOURAGING YOU?!
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And we didn't have a fight over her, did we? Of course, she would have solved the fight with her perfect mediator skills.